Healing After Loss: Navigating the Undercurrent of Grief
I remember the morning vividly when the tears finally flowed, carrying with them a profound wave of relief. It was the day after my little sister, Camilla, gave birth on 1 November 2024. She was okay. The baby was okay. I was okay. But that moment, that immense outpouring, was also deeply about me, because it was a stark reminder of a truth I’ve come to know intimately through my own journey: healing isn’t linear.
Healing is cyclical. It flows, it retreats, and it often brings us right back to the shores of past pain, even in moments of profound joy. This experience, the intense undercurrent of anxiety I held for my sister’s birth, brought this truth into sharp focus once again highlighting the complexities of healing after loss.
I journaled my feelings out the morning and weeks after her birth, but I haven’t felt ready to share them with the world until now.
The Story Unfolds: Navigating the Anxiety in Real-Time
My little sister, who never wanted children until her forties, bravely navigated a pregnancy filled with nausea. I recall holding my breath every time I saw a message from her, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even though her appointments went smoothly, with no markers for genetic issues, and her midwives were happy, I live in the world of pregnancy loss. I knew what could go wrong. I knew that pregnancy does not always equal a baby. I knew that things go wrong all the time.
So, when we got the update last November 1st that they were going to the birthing centre, I felt both excited and anxious, simultaneously. By 5 pm, with no further updates, I remember the nervous energy building inside me. I desperately needed to get my anxiety out, to have the burden shared, so I posted in my loss support group. A combination of a plea for recognition of my anxiety that only they would understand, and an opportunity to share the knowledge of things going wrong. On the outside, I was mostly normal, finishing dinner and helping put my kids to bed.
At 7:30 pm, the call came: a healthy baby boy, born 40 minutes earlier. Relief washed over me. But then, my sister’s partner mentioned she’d lost a lot of blood. That simple phrase, “blood loss,” was incredibly triggering for me. My mind immediately raced. We got a quick update with photos and weight in the group chat, but then silence.
My brain, the one that so often catastrophises, was running checklists. I hated that all I wanted to know was whether they’d had to transfer to hospital. “Was she needing infusions? Was the baby ok? Was he getting everything he needed? Who was supporting her partner?” I recognised then that this was my personality, amplified by my experiences, taking over.
The next morning, the silence continued. I eventually reached out. I had to. The level of undercurrent anxiety for my sister was just too much. I was thrilled about the baby, but my primary worry was for her, navigating what I knew could be a complicated recovery. Especially after a pregnancy that hadn’t been as smooth and easy as she had hoped.
Her partner confirmed that she had stabilised, that they were still at the birthing centre and that they were going to be heading home later that day. Finally the tears could flow.
The Healing Cycle: Embracing All the Feelings, Again and Again (Now)
It wasn’t until those tears flowed the morning after the birth that I fully realised the sheer weight of worry and tension I had been holding. Statistics have not been my friend with pregnancy and reproduction, and my sister’s age and the length of her pregnancy meant she was already on the wrong side of some of them. Hearing those words, “blood loss,” brought everything rushing back.
And this is the uncomfortable truth about pregnancy loss that I know now, and aim to share: you don’t “get over” it, because you carry the knowing that things don’t always end well. You don’t “get over” it because you find yourself worrying about things most people don’t even consider. In my case, I have both first-hand and “book knowledge” about all the things that can go wrong, and it’s devastating. This ongoing reality makes healing after loss a uniquely challenging journey.
I sometimes hate that my brain’s go-to state is to catastrophise. I hated that when I heard “blood loss,” I was immediately running checklists in my head, even though I wasn’t there and had no influence. But looking back, I recognise that this is how my body and mind have learned to protect themselves. Watching my sister (from a distance) go through her birth was incredibly stressful, and my heart aches for her and her family that the experience held such traumatic moments.
Her healing path has been complicated, but she and the baby are now well and happy and I can gratefully acknowledge that she had to navigate her own path with this pregnancy.
Honouring the Cycle, Embracing the Support
That experience vividly reminded me that healing isn’t a straight line. Our thoughts, our grief, our healing – they are cyclical. Everything we experience plays a part in everything we’re going to experience, meaning feelings and insecurities will return to the surface over and over again. Acknowledging this gives us the freedom to accept those thoughts and feelings when they return, to greet them with compassion, and to find ways to integrate them into our ever-evolving story. This is the essence of true healing after loss.
Your journey, like mine, is a complex and beautiful tapestry. I hope this glimpse into my recent experience reassures you that whatever you’re feeling, it is valid. You are not alone in navigating these intricate emotional landscapes.
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